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I find it hard to make decisions.

I am not quite sure why. So I am trying to figure it out here.

Ember and Autumn

Things are better. I want to go into that more and talk about exercising for 30 days in a row and what that did for my mental health. And the current state of my anxiety. Today I feel better. There have been a string of days that I feel better. I will discuss more, but today is about Ember and Autumn. 

I will preface this by saying that I have been thinking a lot about what I want my future to look like. Not just the broad strokes but more so the woman that I will be. The life I will live. Turning 30 gives you amazing insight. You are able to look at your 20s as a whole. I believe in some sort of visualization and I realized I have never looked into the future with any true plan. There are ideas: to get married and have a family, to work for myself, to travel. There is a lot of longing for location independence but lately, I have been day dreaming in quite vivid detail of my future. This is one of those day dreams. 

I am married and I am homesteader. I have an old farm house and a garden and I buy yeast from the grocery store. To bake things. I have 2 daughters named Autumn and Ember (do not f***ing steal my baby names). And I homeschool my kids. 

I don't homeschool in the religious zealot way. But in the way I think that educational system is broken. When I was subbing we had a pep rally for our state testing. Let that sink in, we were celebrating that stupid test given the kids. It felt really gross. I homeschool because I don't think my creative side was ever given enough play in school. The fact that when I subbed we make Kindergarten kids sit all day long. 

This is not teacher's fault. When I was subbing, teaching is THE most emotionally draining job in the world. You will never know how sharpened pencils can almost break you, unless you have subbed for an elementary school class. 

Autumn and Ember are wild and we spend a lot of time outdoors. Trendy moms calls wild child 'spritied.' And they have crazy curly hair. You know how little girls with curly hair always look so unkempt? That's my daughters. I have a very self important homesteader/homeschooler blog and Instagram and I am so confident that I am living my life right. With God at the center and my family. My husband does something creative (maybe metal working?) and is very emotional and has a beard. He is also pretty quiet, and I fell in love with him right away. I was in my early 30s, I had never been in love before and then I was smacked with it. I always wondered how I would deal with someones deepest flaws - how someone would ever take on mine. But now I get it. We have dreams of helping people live a simpler life, having more children, and adopting and fostering. He builds stuff for our home. I cook every meal with him in mind. 

Writing this life tugs at my heart. At my singleness and the fear that I won't get to be a mom. But it also feels so true. I makes me excited. Not all of my daydreams are so crunchy granola - don't worry. There will be more stories. There will be different characters. This feel like such a weird thing to write about but it has been on my heart. 



Everything is messy.