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I find it hard to make decisions.

I am not quite sure why. So I am trying to figure it out here.

Random Thoughts for a New Year

I am in that place again where I am bored with my job. I am restless, I am eating my feelings, I don’t feel good. I woke up yesterday and refused to get up. I just knew it was going to be a bad day. Then I texted my boss that I had a migraine and would be in by 10. Then only my way and homeless man waved me down and told me I had a flat tire.

I want to be a blogger but I am afraid my lack of action and wanting to work on it makes me think that it isn’t what I want. I want the autonomy and the hours. I want to be in charge of myself and live a more free scheduled life. Not be worried about my other tire blowing out because I have to wait for an appointment that works for my work schedule.

I question if I have the fortitude to write for years but not get paid or noticed. I questions if I have the skills to run my own thing, if I would get lonely working from home. If I would regret putting so much time into a dream that I am not sure I really want.

I want the blogger persona – the expensive bags and the brunches and the discussions about favorite foundations (I read/watch a lot of beauty bloggers). I don’t want the public scrutiny or to loose anonymity or to have to fake good days for social media or to have to do taxes for someone who works for themselves. I think that would beat boredom though. I think that might beat regret.

Decision have always felt so final for me. I think a lot of Millennials feel like that. We struggle to change because it feels so permanent. Maybe because our lives were so permanent.

I worry that I don’t have the ability to work really hard on something. I am not sure if I ever really worked hard on something. That seems lame, but stuff comes easily to me and I can really turn on the charm if I need to. That was probably a humble brag but it feels true. So maybe that is what the blog will teach me. How to work really hard.

I went to a ‘leader’s panel’ for my company. Someone was talking about solving a problem for someone over the Thanksgiving weeked and I was like ‘why?’ are we really expected to work 24/7/365? Was the report really important? Does this shit even matter? That’s how I have to get a ahead? To use my precious time off to do BS reporting? I would rather work for myself. So expect to see more in 2017 an I am going to try to do more things. Complete more projects. Lose 140+ pounds. Feel less regret. More Jesus in my heart and actions.

Happy New Year!


A Change of Heart